By Mitch McCurren
I honestly can’t recall when I first learned about Natural Family Planning. I doubt it was before I learned about it in a moral theology course in college. In learning more deeply about NFP and artificial birth control, I became convinced of the truth in the Church’s teaching about it. In a world that seems to ever more be focused on the self, and the pursuit of whatever may bring oneself subjective happiness, I was attracted to the counter-cultural message of the Catholic Church that teaches that we can only be truly happy when we abandon our own ego and offer ourselves as a gift to others. In perhaps no other realm does this dichotomy present itself than in a couple’s decision to use artificial contraceptives or NFP.
While I learned some of what NFP entails and became convinced of its moral integrity over artificial contraceptives in college, my relationship with it has evolved dramatically as I’ve actually begun to practice it with my wife over the past six years. Simply put, practicing NFP has helped me become a better man, a better husband, and a better father. It has even helped me become a better son of God.
I will briefly touch on the challenges that NFP presents before going into more detail as to how it has helped me become a better person. The first challenge of NFP is that it is rarely practiced by other couples in today’s society and is even pretty largely unheard of. In a research paper I wrote about contraceptive use, I remember the statistics being something like less than 5% of married couples used NFP, whether they were Catholic or not. Many acquaintances, neighbors, and even relatives, have talked to me in a way where they simply assume my wife and I use artificial contraception. I’ve even heard flippant remarks around the staff lunch table in a Catholic school I’ve worked at where people have mentioned being sterilized after having their second kid. Simply being in a minority compared to society at large can be discouraging. That is why it is essential to find other couples who share your values and who also practice NFP in order to build solidarity and have outside support for your marriage.
The other challenge of NFP is the more obvious one, though I’ve found it to be less of a challenge the longer I’ve actually practiced NFP. The idea of sex on demand without the natural consequence of a child is so deeply ingrained in our culture now that I undoubtedly was influenced by it. There have simply been many times when I want to make love with my wife but could not due to the time of her cycle and our decision to try not to conceive at that time. I won’t deny that this is challenging, but it is because it is challenging that I have grown to appreciate NFP all the more.
The challenge of abstaining from making love provides a couple the opportunity to grow in the virtue of temperance. This is definitely something that has taken me time to realize. Rather than complaining about not being able to make love at certain times in my wife’s cycle, I have begun to understand that I can use these natural periods to grow in temperance and to focus on growing in other areas of our marriage. It’s almost as if God knew what he was doing when he created women with their natural fertility cycles! If we are in a period of abstinence, I can use that time to love my wife more fully in other ways: having intimate conversation with her, cuddling her, or doing a shared game or activity together. Having those set aside times has been essential in helping us to grow our relationship in all areas. Moreover, practicing temperance when it comes to making love, makes the time when you are engaging in it all the more meaningful.
NFP has helped me to grow in virtue and in communication with my wife, but these aren’t even the most primary reasons that I have grown to appreciate and love NFP. By using NFP, I have become more aware of who I am, and of who my wife and children are, namely gifts from God. I have also become more aware of what I am meant to do, namely make myself as a gift for others. A relationship where one spouse is pumping their body full of chemicals or utilizing some other technology that prevents it from doing what it was naturally meant to do, is not a relationship that fully understands this idea. By using NFP, I embrace all of who I am, and more importantly embrace all of whom my wife is. There is no holding back any aspect of who we are. We are gifts from God, and we can give ourselves to each other totally and unconditionally. Not surprisingly, the more we do this, and the more fully we understand this, our marriage continually grows stronger.
I think the focus of NFP is often on the abstaining from sex aspect rather than on its use as a way to naturally achieve a pregnancy, which I think is a travesty. When using NFP with the right mindset, not only has my relationship with my wife improved, but my relationship with God has. I’ve more fully been able to surrender myself to him and his will for me and my family. I cede my control and lay it at His feet. In doing so, when my wife and I have been able to achieve pregnancy, I understand my child much more profoundly as a gift. I can very much see how using artificial contraceptives would quickly lead a couple down the path of viewing themselves as in control and that when they decide to have a baby, it is from their own doing solely. This turns the child into a commodity to attain rather than a gift, graciously given. My wife and I have been blessed to have been given six precious gifts from God, and even those three that we lost to miscarriage, I still am able to hold as gifts. I am grateful for NFP because it more fully opened up this understanding in my heart, which has in turn empowered me to properly love my kids for who they truly are.
NFP is not without its challenges, but as I’ve said, even these challenges can be viewed as opportunities for growth in virtue and communication with one’s spouse. More fundamentally, practicing NFP counter attacks the world’s fundamental idea about life being primarily about seeking as much personal subjective happiness as possible. Instead, it better puts us in a situation where we see our full selves as good and as coming from God so that we can more radically give our full self away in love for our spouse and children. This is why I use NFP.
Mitch McCurren lives in St. Louis City with his wife, Emily. He currently stays home with their two children (with another on the way very soon!). He holds degrees in Theology, Biology, and Education and has been a Catholic school teacher for the Archdiocese of St. Louis. He enjoys sports, movies, and talking Catholic theology and philosophy.