Despite the statistics showing how common miscarriage is, it can feel extremely isolating. When my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first baby, we were overjoyed. All of our prayers were answered and we began planning for life as a family of three. However, when we learned the baby’s heart stopped beating it felt like my world came crashing down. I was the first of our friends to experience a miscarriage. I felt so alone. The small actions of friends and family brought comfort in a dark time.
Here is a list of simple ways to support friends or family experiencing a miscarriage.
Say Something
Even if it is as simple as “I am sorry – I know this must be difficult” or “I don’t know what to say”, a text or phone call acknowledging the loss helps show you care about the couple and their baby ands allows them to feel less alone.
use the baby’s name
Many women and couples name their baby. Ask if they named their baby and use the baby’s name when talking about them. If they chose not to name their baby, you can call them “Baby [last name]”. When people use my baby’s name (or initials, as I prefer to), it always makes a huge impact. It shows they acknowledge my baby’s life and existence. You can also ask how they picked that name for they baby and the meaning behind it.
sharing the news with others
I personally wanted everyone to know about my loss. I wanted to share my baby’s life with them. But I found it challenging to personally share the news with others, especially since many did not know we were pregnant. I was so thankful for a friend who offered to let a few of our friends know and for my mom who asked permission to share with family members.
offer concrete support
Offer specific, physical ways to help your friend or family member experiencing a loss. Some examples include:
- Send a meal or gift card
- Drop off a pick-me-up coffee, tea, smoothie, or treat
- Deliver groceries
- Offer childcare to allow the couple time to grieve alone, attend doctor’s appointments, and physically recover
- Pick up supplies to help the mother heal – practical items like pads and comfort items like a cozy blanket
Recommend support resouces
If your friend is local to the St. Louis area, share these miscarriage and loss resources.
Send a sympathy card
Our office developed miscarriage sympathy cards with a beautiful, original watercolor image (by Diane Coiro Art) of a Forget-Me-Not flower, a powerful symbol for those impacted by miscarriage and infant loss. These cards or prints are available to you to send to anyone you know experiencing miscarriage. For inquiry, fill out this form.
Don’t forget about dad
I did not miscarry alone. My husband lost his child that day, too. Reach out to the father and include him when offering sympathies and while supporting mom.
honor baby’s life
Have a Mass offered for their baby and family. Make a donation or donate a holiday present in memorial of their baby.
share your story
If you have experienced a loss, share your story. Hearing the stories of other women who lost a child due to miscarriage helped me feel less alone. Knowing others could relate to my pain made me feel supported and comfortable in talking about the details of my own loss I so desperately wanted to share.
Put the date in the calendar
When my friend shared the news that she miscarried, I immediately put the date of her loss in my calendar as a recurring event. This helps me remember to reach out each year to let her know we remember her baby and continue to pray for her family.
Continue to check in
As time goes on, a simple text or card to remind a couple of your prayers can help them know that you remember their baby. As the months and years go on, I worry people forget about my first baby – the one who truly made me a mother. It always warms my heart when people acknowledge their life. Reach out throughout the year, especially acknowledging Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
Follow their lead
Some people find great comfort in conversation or visits from friends. Others may want to mourn alone. Follow their lead and offer the support that will mean the most to them.
If you have experienced a miscarriage or if you have supported a friend through a loss, what else would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments what was most helpful for you.
Colleen Farnan is a mom to two young boys and one soul in heaven. She is a proud St. Louisan and self-proclaimed ice cream connoisseur. In her free time she is playing outside with the boys, wandering the aisles of Target, or rewatching Gilmore Girls.